Villagers With Pitchforks

The flaming torches were delayed in transit, sorry.

Wednesday, March 08, 2006

Bovine Alien Abductions

I just want to go on record about the cow alien abduction situation. First of all, I am not actually a cow myself, I merely perform as one on a filk album. Having made that clear, and after reassuring my worried spouse, I would like to suggest that perhaps these disappearances are not alien abductions.

I worked for several years at a not for profit senior retirement community that was staffed mostly by Evangelical Christians who thought Casper the Friendly Ghost was good buddies with Satan and that they, being good Christians would someday soon Rapture. Rapture, I was told, was based on biblical texts from Revelations and it involves True Believers just vanishing off the face of the Earth just before Armageddon. This would leave the nonbelievers fighting over the abandoned cars, homes and luxury items left behind.

I've been waiting patiently for this to happen and until today, thought they were just full of it, you know. But what if God, in his infinite wisdom, has decided that the Rapture should start with cows? I mean, it does make a certain kind of sense. If I were God I would start with cows just to get the kinks worked out. Cause once you've Raptured a couple dozen cows, then a human, even a Sumo wrestler should be a cakewalk, right? Now, all the cows of my acquaintance happen to be pagan, Baha'i or just highly spiritual, but there must be Evangelical Christian cows somewhere out there. After all, it is not merely a coincidence that there are a high concentration of cows in the bible belt. Christans are supposed to witness, right? To convert the unfaithful or merely misguided. Is it so hard to believe that in their zeal, they maybe have converted the odd bovine or two? Most modern barns have radios. Well, maybe those milkcows have been treated to the silver tongued persuasions of talk radio hosts and have become born again! So this could be it folks, the beginning of the end. First a few cows, tomorrow Pat Robertson and Billy Graham. By Friday it could just us heathens left.

Party, my place, bring a suitable animal sacrifice, clothing optional.

It makes sense, and I'm shocked that no one else has made the obvious connection. Just remember, once we are all driving a Lexus or a BMW it won't be nearly as big a status symbol. Just saying.


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